I'm a Failure and the Kids Know It
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
2009 was supposed to be the year I turned my back on meat and become a vegetarian. Sigh. Supposed to be... I'm not eating as much red meat, but if there's a prime rib around - watch the hell out because if you're in my way, you are going down. Anyway, my conversion to vegetarianism has been tough and the family has been less than supportive...
Daughter: Mommy, what are you doing?
Me: Uh, eating dinner just like you.
Daughter: Yeah, but why are you eating salad?
Me: Because salad is good for you. Holla!
Daughter: Why are you saying 'holla'?
Me: Because it's... oh never mind.
Daughter: But you hate salad.
Me: No I don't. You're thinking of someone else.
Daughter: No, it's you alright.
Me: Stop chewing with your mouth full.
Daughter: Are you even enjoying the salad?
Me: Of course I am. It's yum-deli-icious.
Daughter: Then why are you pouting?
Me: I'm not pouting. Just eat your homemade, GMO-free, whole wheat crust cheese pizza with Applegate Farms antibiotic and nitrate-free pepperoni.
Daughter: Do I have to? Can I just eat the pepperoni?
Me: Just eat please.
Daughter: Is there something wrong? Are you feeling okay?
Me: I'm fine. I feel great. Never felt better. Why, do I look bad?
Daughter: Um, no, it's just that you've got some dog food on your plate.
Me: That's not dog food, my dear, it's a meatless burger.
Daughter: Oh.
Me: Oh is right.
Daughter: What does that mean?
Me: Nevermind.
Daughter: Your meatless burger looks like something the dogs would eat. It smells funny, too.
Me: It's not dog food! Millions of people eat this crap wonderful stuff everyday.
Carl: Beef rules! Babe, pass the steak sauce so I can slather it all over my steak.
Son: Mommy, if you're not going to eat your burger can sister and I use it?
Me: No!
Son: Hey sister, wanna pretend Mommy's burger is a frisbee?
Daughter: I don't think it will fly.
Son: Wanna play bocce with it?
*Note: no children starved during this conversation as their mother broke down and made macaroni and cheese for them. Mother ended up eating homemade, GMO-free, whole wheat crust pizza without the pepperoni. Kids were sent to bed early. And husband was satisfied with his meal.
- RK
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